We were out to dinner with a friend. i had ordered a burger with copious amount of bacon, enough to feed Ethiopia 3 times over. Boyfriend took the leftover bacon, dipped it in mayo and ate it...

Me: THIS IS WHY YOU'RE FAT

[16:23] me: would you say my tits are rat size or more guinea pig?
[16:23] him: gp

** as we're on the way of out one of my fave places to eat by my house, an old friend walks in...a very gay old friend

Me: hi creeper
friend : do you remember me?
Me: of course...i think we hooked up once
Him: well you can add THAT to the list
Me: what? he's gay

Him: I'm not trying to have s serious conversation
Me: for once
Me:*mocking him* I stepped on a leaf, I think it means something

**talking about how everyone is having babies...and then....

[12:50] me: babe
[12:50] me: on an unrelated note
[12:50] me: i have something really important totell you
[12:51] me: i just got this email about it
[12:51] me: i'm devstated
[12:52] him : ??
[12:52] me: the fuddruckers by work is closing

i'm laying in his bed with no pants on and the blanket over me

me: *pulls blanket away* so are we gonna do this
him : *facepalm*
me: we can light a candle

(11:51:05 PM) him: ok hun, Im gonna watch a movie and zone out a bit
(11:51:23 PM) me: i'm gonna rub one out and hopefully fall aslee
(11:51:25 PM) me: p
(11:51:35 PM) him: lol I love you gnite!
(11:51:42 PM) me: i lov eyou too! g'nite

Me: I'm hairy. I can make a teepee with my vagina

me: so what specifically did i say to offend you?
me: so i can forget i said it.

Very tall man approaches us

Dude: it smells like really good weed
Us:  *blank stare *
He walks away
Him: I smell the yeast in beer
Me: oh...that's me

Me: I love when you bone me
Him: You love it when anyone bones you
Me: that's......not...true

Me: ya know what would be cool to play with this weekend?
Him: dira? ((his puggle))
Me: yes
Me: i was gonna say a fat bitch
Him: you have such a way with words
Loryn: i'm just glad you didnt come back with "i dont want to touch your vagina"

[10:35] Me: i'm dying
[10:35] Him<3: well its been fun?
[10:35] Him<3: good luck?
[10:35] Him <3: <3
[10:37] Me: i hope it'll be easy for you to move on with my ghost hauting your ass for LIFE
[10:37] Him<3: lol
[10:38] Him<3: not for death?
[10:40] Me: that's when it'll get worse
[10:41] Me: i will make sure you never have an erection again
[10:41] Me: if i can't fuck you..no one can fuck you

My boyfriend just shaved mutton chops, they are adorable. I was stroking his face when I could NOT stop laughing

Me: My pubes are longer than your face
Him: notice how I'm not laughing

Me: So I was watching this porn...
Him : *eyes of judgement*
Me: what? I'm not going to lie to you

Him: (jokingly) I don't know where you've been
Me: I don't either
Him: *that stare*
Me: what? i'm being honest